How to Stop Ruining Your Best Ideas

Ever have a great idea-an idea so big and grand that, for a split second, it makes the universe feel full of possibility? Maybe it’s an idea for a business you could start, or a dream to spend a year traveling around the world, or a vision that you could be an artist or writer.  For just a moment, all limits and rules drop away and it feels as though anything can happen.

 I can’t tell you how many times I’ve asked a question like this to someone:  “what do you REALLY want to do?” or “if money were no object, how would you spend your time?”  And I can’t tell you how many of those times, what follows, in a spontaneous moment of unguarded clarity is an answer that is so brilliant, so natural, and makes so much SENSE.

And just as soon as the idea pops into your mind-BAM!!! The dreaded voice of reason rears its ugly head.  It starts to tell you why this won’t work.  Maybe it gives you a litany of reasons why the economy is bad, or you’re not talented enough.  Perhaps the critical voice that lives in your head is well versed in statistics (mine is)-it will start to recite all the names of people you know who have tried and failed.  Maybe the critical voice can’t think of anyone who has even tried-so it tells you that that is proof why it can’t work.

We’ve been taught to believe that the voice of reason is the objective one.  We trust it.  We think it’s rational.  So we quiet our big dream, and it scurries away into the recesses of our mind, never to heard from again, except in quiet moments, in the empty space (which is sometimes why we avoid the quiet, empty space, but that’s another blog posting for another day).

When we don’t allow ourselves the opportunity to linger in possibility, we miss finding out what might happen.  Most of the time, there are ways to make it happen.  Most of the time, when people stay in that empty space long enough, open to exploring the idea, they see that there are resources and helpful people all around them-the fear just blinded them to realizing it.  Once this happens, the idea starts to seem more feasible.  In fact, things start aligning into place.  A plan can be created.  The idea no longer seems so unfeasible.

 How can we do this?

•  Pay attention  Sometimes when we get insight about something, it starts to dissolve immediately.  When you notice the rational voice come in to throw cold water on your big ideas, just notice it and think, without judgement,  “ok, that’s what’s happening.  I'm scared and I'm shutting myself down."  
• Take notes Carry a notebook with you everywhere you go.  Write down anything that makes you excited-ideas, visuals, objects.  Review the list when you’re feeling confident, safe and happy.
• Music  Listen to music that emboldens you as you spend time daydreaming about what you want most.  One of my clients always listens to the theme song to Rocky when he’s psyching himself up for something.
• Give yourself permission  Create a sense of safety for yourself.  For instance, tell yourself, “I don’t have to act on any of this.  I’m just giving myself permission to explore.  I’ll figure out the how later.”  Sometimes it allows you to take enough pressure off yourself long enough to explore these ideas.
• ##$% Fear!  Just decide that you can feel scared and explore your ideas anyway.  Who says you can’t survive discomfort?
• Challenge that fear.  Talk back to it.  When you notice it, get rebellious.  Think to yourself:  “I don’t care.  I can think about anything I want to.” 

Think about it-what’s the worst thing that could happen?  You could fail.  So what?  People fail all the time.  To me, it’s better to stick your neck out and risk failure than it is to stay safe, bored, and unchallenged.  In the far lovelier words of Anais Nin:

 “Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death.”

 

How to Make Space Pt. 2: Speak Nicely When You Talk to Yourself

When I was a kid, it was always so thrilling to catch people talking to themselves.  I remember on road trips, my sisters and I would always spot solitary people in cars who were deep in conversation.  Of course, when that happens now, people are talking on their cell phones.

Whether we do it out loud, in the privacy of our cars, or silently, all of us are talking to ourselves.  We’re often judging ourselves, parroting the critical voices we’ve heard in our lives.  Or we’re worrying about the future, using our past stories to tell us why we won’t measure up.  We speak to ourselves harshly, in ways in which we would never speak to others.  

Self-talk isn’t harmless.  Every time we repeat an incrimination (“you were so stupid to do that!”), a judgment (“you’re so fat!”),  or bind ourselves into a fixed story (“you’ll never get a better job because you can’t follow through on anything!”), a few things happen.  First of all, we have an emotional response, and the words hurt.  We react to these thoughts all day, and that wears us out.   It’s fatiguing. 

We also limit our sense of possibility.  When we get a big idea or an exciting prospect, we rush in to shut it down fast, based on these stories.   We never give ourselves the chance to change and flourish, and to disprove these stories.  The negative stuff takes up so much space that there’s no room for us to change.  We get stuck.

Here is one solution to changing the way you talk to yourself, in present tense.  Just work on this one and it can change things dramatically.

Skill set vs. character weakness.

I believe that human beings have this incredible ability to cultivate any quality we want to have. Here's an example:  a number of years ago, I noticed that my friend, Anne, always, always looked me in the eyes and never interrupted when I talked to her.  It felt so amazing to be treated that way, because so few people do it.  I decided that I wanted to make people feel the way that Anne made me feel.  I deliberately looked people in the eyes and forced myself to wait until people finished speaking before I talked.  It was hard, but I changed the habit over time.  

Often we assume that if we don't do something, it's because we have a weak character, or we're just "born" that way, and we'll never change (an example of being fixed in old stories about ourselves).    Actually, it's that we just haven't cultivated that skill yet.   If we start reframing our "weaknesses" into skills we haven't learned yet, a spaciousness, a kindness emerges in our thinking.  Every time you catch yourself speaking to yourself in a critical way, back up and speak to yourself differently.  Over time, it will become automatic.  I'll give you some real life examples of how this translates to self talk.

Money

Old talk:  "I'm just SO terrible with money!  I'll never get ahead!"

New story: "I haven't yet learned to make and follow a budget.  I'm going to set goals to learn to do that."

Setting boundaries

Old talk: "I'm so weak-I always give in!"

New story:  "I haven't learned how to say no.  I'm strengthening those muscles."

You get the idea.  The point here is to take away the idea that you are fixed in an old identity, and to remind yourself that if you want to be able to do something new, you can just set goals and make it happen.  It's as simple as that.  You don't have to be perfect.  You don't have to have everything figured out.  You just have to have an intention to try, and to cut yourself some slack.  Give yourself some space, and things will start to change.   We have an amazing ability to transform ourselves.

Making space pt. 1: Forgive yourself

I think a lot about ways we can make more space in our lives.  You know the kind of space I mean: room to breathe, room to think big and to dwell in possibility, room to be alone with ourselves, freedom to do more of what sustains and enriches us.  

I often give tips to help you change the circumstances of your life to create more space by paring down, becoming more productive, saying no, etc.   This can really help.  Economizing how you spend your time and energy frees up a lot of space.

Now I'm going to shift the focus to thoughts, which take up a whole lot of space too.  If you tune into your thoughts for very long, you'll notice that your mind is probably working overtime.   What's taking up so much space in there?  Most likely it's chatter about the future and the past, or a voice that's telling what you "should" be doing or feeling (I call this "shoulding" on yourself).  Maybe it's a critical voice that offers cruel judgments of you.  

In future posts, I'll address the others, but for today,  I'd like to focus on thoughts of the past and how to clear them.  Why?  Because they take up a whole lot of space and they can cause anxiety, self-doubt, and affect our future decisions.

Think about it.  Do you have something you have done that you really regret?  A terrible decision you made?  Think about it right now.  Ouch.  What happens in your body when you think of it?  (I'm thinking of mine-I'm feeling all hot and my shoulders hurt.  And like I just got slimed.)  Now, what thoughts are coming up for you?  Write them down.  Odds are, they read something like this (these are mine):

1) How could I have been so stupid?

2) That really made my life difficult

3) I'd be so much further along if I hadn't done that-such a setback.

Now, here's the problem.  If we're really stuck in this thinking, then every time any of these thoughts come up, we beat ourselves up again.  We replay these stories.  We tell ourselves how much we suck.  We experience those feelings of tension and anxiety, both physically and emotionally.  And the worst part is that they hold us back-because when we think about taking a risk or doing something new, we reference these stories.  We think, "oh, s^%#, I'm going to screw up again."  We don't trust our instincts.  We get fearful.  We stop moving forward because we're stuck in the past.

So here are my suggestions on how to work with this.  Make a list of your hall of shame decisions-your top ten biggest regrets.  And then pick one or two of the following ways to work with your list.

1) Lean into it.  Yeah, that's what I mean.  Think about every stupid thing you've ever done.  Make a list.  Revel in it.  Feel the shame.  Own it.   Don't worry-it's uncomfortable, but you'll survive.  Now, next to your list, write down what you learned from each experience.   You might see that some of those mistakes were pretty necessary, or that what you learned from them changed your life.

2) Refute it.    Make a list of great decisions you've made, and accomplishments that make you proud.  When your mind focuses on the other stuff, challenge it.  Say to yourself, "oh yeah?  What about all the great stuff I've done?  Who says I have to do everything perfectly, 100% of the time?"

3) Be your own best friend.  As in, someone you love a whole lot-if they came to you and told you about something dumb they did, and how they were having trouble forgiving themselves, what would you say to them?  Now, say that to yourself, in your gentlest tone of voice, with all the love you can muster.

4)  Start over.   Odds are, you aren't the biggest screw up of all time.  The good news is that even if you are, or have been up to now, it's not too late for you.  You get to start over every day.   None of us it beyond repair.   If everything is awful, make the decision to not let things get any worse.  You can improve a little bit every day.  Tell yourself this.

5) "I forgive myself."   Yeah, it sounds corny, but saying it to yourself, out loud, can have magical effects.  Look for a variation of this that works for you.  If I ever start to beat myself up about a bad decision, I say to myself 'I did the best I could with what I knew about myself at the time."  I relax immediately.

As you start to forgive yourself, and free yourself of more and more guilt, shame, and embarrassment, you will find that there is a lot more space for joy, happiness, and new versions of the story of you, just waiting to be written.