Empty Space Blog

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2009-06-03T19:24:00.000-07:00

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How to Stop Ruining Your Best Ideas

2009-05-25T10:09:00.000-07:00

Ever have a great idea-an idea so big and grand that, for a split second, it makes the universe feel full of possibility? Maybe it’s an idea for a business you could start, or a dream to spend a year traveling around the world, or a vision that you could be an artist or writer. For just a moment, all limits and rules drop away and it feels as though anything can happen.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve asked a question like this to someone: “what do you REALLY want to do?” or “if money were no object, how would you spend your time?” And I can’t tell you how many of those times, what follows, in a spontaneous moment of unguarded clarity is an answer that is so brilliant, so natural, and makes so much SENSE.

And just as soon as the idea pops into your mind-BAM!!! The dreaded voice of reason rears its ugly head. It starts to tell you why this won’t work. Maybe it gives you a litany of reasons why the economy is bad, or you’re not talented enough. Perhaps the critical voice that lives in your head is well versed in statistics (mine is)-it will start to recite all the names of people you know who have tried and failed. Maybe the critical voice can’t think of anyone who has even tried-so it tells you that that is proof why it can’t work.

We’ve been taught to believe that the voice of reason is the objective one. We trust it. We think it’s rational. So we quiet our big dream, and it scurries away into the recesses of our mind, never to heard from again, except in quiet moments, in the empty space (which is sometimes why we avoid the quiet, empty space, but that’s another blog posting for another day).

When we don’t allow ourselves the opportunity to linger in possibility, we miss finding out what might happen. Most of the time, there are ways to make it happen. Most of the time, when people stay in that empty space long enough, open to exploring the idea, they see that there are resources and helpful people all around them-the fear just blinded them to realizing it. Once this happens, the idea starts to seem more feasible. In fact, things start aligning into place. A plan can be created. The idea no longer seems so unfeasible.

How can we do this?

Pay attention Sometimes when we get insight about something, it starts to dissolve immediately. When you notice the rational voice come in to throw cold water on your big ideas, just notice it and think, without judgement, “ok, that’s what’s happening. I'm scared and I'm shutting myself down."
Take notes Carry a notebook with you everywhere you go. Write down anything that makes you excited-ideas, visuals, objects. Review the list when you’re feeling confident, safe and happy.
Music Listen to music that emboldens you as you spend time daydreaming about what you want most. One of my clients always listens to the theme song to Rocky when he’s psyching himself up for something.
Give yourself permission Create a sense of safety for yourself. For instance, tell yourself, “I don’t have to act on any of this. I’m just giving myself permission to explore. I’ll figure out the how later.” Sometimes it allows you to take enough pressure off yourself long enough to explore these ideas.
##$% Fear! Just decide that you can feel scared and explore your ideas anyway. Who says you can’t survive discomfort?
Challenge that fear. Talk back to it. When you notice it, get rebellious. Think to yourself: “I don’t care. I can think about anything I want to.”

Think about it-what’s the worst thing that could happen? You could fail. So what? People fail all the time. To me, it’s better to stick your neck out and risk failure than it is to stay safe, bored, and unchallenged. In the far lovelier words of Anais Nin:

“Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death.”

How to Make Space Pt. 2: Speak Nicely When You Talk to Yourself

2009-05-19T08:22:00.000-07:00

When I was a kid, it was always so thrilling to catch people talking to themselves. I remember on road trips, my sisters and I would always spot solitary people in cars who were deep in conversation. Of course, when that happens now, people are talking on their cell phones.

Whether we do it out loud, in the privacy of our cars, or silently, all of us are talking to ourselves. We’re often judging ourselves, parroting the critical voices we’ve heard in our lives. Or we’re worrying about the future, using our past stories to tell us why we won’t measure up. We speak to ourselves harshly, in ways in which we would never speak to others.

Self-talk isn’t harmless. Every time we repeat an incrimination (“you were so stupid to do that!”), a judgment (“you’re so fat!”), or bind ourselves into a fixed story (“you’ll never get a better job because you can’t follow through on anything!”), a few things happen. First of all, we have an emotional response, and the words hurt. We react to these thoughts all day, and that wears us out. It’s fatiguing.

We also limit our sense of possibility. When we get a big idea or an exciting prospect, we rush in to shut it down fast, based on these stories. We never give ourselves the chance to change and flourish, and to disprove these stories. The negative stuff takes up so much space that there’s no room for us to change. We get stuck.

Here is one solution to changing the way you talk to yourself, in present tense. Just work on this one and it can change things dramatically.

Skill set vs. character weakness.

I believe that human beings have this incredible ability to cultivate any quality we want to have. Here's an example: a number of years ago, I noticed that my friend, Anne, always, always looked me in the eyes and never interrupted when I talked to her. It felt so amazing to be treated that way, because so few people do it. I decided that I wanted to make people feel the way that Anne made me feel. I deliberately looked people in the eyes and forced myself to wait until people finished speaking before I talked. It was hard, but I changed the habit over time.

Often we assume that if we don't do something, it's because we have a weak character, or we're just "born" that way, and we'll never change (an example of being fixed in old stories about ourselves). Actually, it's that we just haven't cultivated that skill yet. If we start reframing our "weaknesses" into skills we haven't learned yet, a spaciousness, a kindness emerges in our thinking. Every time you catch yourself speaking to yourself in a critical way, back up and speak to yourself differently. Over time, it will become automatic. I'll give you some real life examples of how this translates to self talk.

Money

Old talk: "I'm just SO terrible with money! I'll never get ahead!"

New story: "I haven't yet learned to make and follow a budget. I'm going to set goals to learn to do that."

Setting boundaries

Old talk: "I'm so weak-I always give in!"

New story: "I haven't learned how to say no. I'm strengthening those muscles."

You get the idea. The point here is to take away the idea that you are fixed in an old identity, and to remind yourself that if you want to be able to do something new, you can just set goals and make it happen. It's as simple as that. You don't have to be perfect. You don't have to have everything figured out. You just have to have an intention to try, and to cut yourself some slack. Give yourself some space, and things will start to change. We have an amazing ability to transform ourselves.

Making space pt. 1: Forgive yourself

2009-05-11T11:08:00.000-07:00

I think a lot about ways we can make more space in our lives. You know the kind of space I mean: room to breathe, room to think big and to dwell in possibility, room to be alone with ourselves, freedom to do more of what sustains and enriches us.

I often give tips to help you change the circumstances of your life to create more space by paring down, becoming more productive, saying no, etc. This can really help. Economizing how you spend your time and energy frees up a lot of space.

Now I'm going to shift the focus to thoughts, which take up a whole lot of space too. If you tune into your thoughts for very long, you'll notice that your mind is probably working overtime. What's taking up so much space in there? Most likely it's chatter about the future and the past, or a voice that's telling what you "should" be doing or feeling (I call this "shoulding" on yourself). Maybe it's a critical voice that offers cruel judgments of you.

In future posts, I'll address the others, but for today, I'd like to focus on thoughts of the past and how to clear them. Why? Because they take up a whole lot of space and they can cause anxiety, self-doubt, and affect our future decisions.

Think about it. Do you have something you have done that you really regret? A terrible decision you made? Think about it right now. Ouch. What happens in your body when you think of it? (I'm thinking of mine-I'm feeling all hot and my shoulders hurt. And like I just got slimed.) Now, what thoughts are coming up for you? Write them down. Odds are, they read something like this (these are mine):

1) How could I have been so stupid?

2) That really made my life difficult

3) I'd be so much further along if I hadn't done that-such a setback.

Now, here's the problem. If we're really stuck in this thinking, then every time any of these thoughts come up, we beat ourselves up again. We replay these stories. We tell ourselves how much we suck. We experience those feelings of tension and anxiety, both physically and emotionally. And the worst part is that they hold us back-because when we think about taking a risk or doing something new, we reference these stories. We think, "oh, s^%#, I'm going to screw up again." We don't trust our instincts. We get fearful. We stop moving forward because we're stuck in the past.

So here are my suggestions on how to work with this. Make a list of your hall of shame decisions-your top ten biggest regrets. And then pick one or two of the following ways to work with your list.

1) Lean into it. Yeah, that's what I mean. Think about every stupid thing you've ever done. Make a list. Revel in it. Feel the shame. Own it. Don't worry-it's uncomfortable, but you'll survive. Now, next to your list, write down what you learned from each experience. You might see that some of those mistakes were pretty necessary, or that what you learned from them changed your life.

2) Refute it. Make a list of great decisions you've made, and accomplishments that make you proud. When your mind focuses on the other stuff, challenge it. Say to yourself, "oh yeah? What about all the great stuff I've done? Who says I have to do everything perfectly, 100% of the time?"

3) Be your own best friend. As in, someone you love a whole lot-if they came to you and told you about something dumb they did, and how they were having trouble forgiving themselves, what would you say to them? Now, say that to yourself, in your gentlest tone of voice, with all the love you can muster.

4) Start over. Odds are, you aren't the biggest screw up of all time. The good news is that even if you are, or have been up to now, it's not too late for you. You get to start over every day. None of us it beyond repair. If everything is awful, make the decision to not let things get any worse. You can improve a little bit every day. Tell yourself this.

5) "I forgive myself." Yeah, it sounds corny, but saying it to yourself, out loud, can have magical effects. Look for a variation of this that works for you. If I ever start to beat myself up about a bad decision, I say to myself 'I did the best I could with what I knew about myself at the time." I relax immediately.

As you start to forgive yourself, and free yourself of more and more guilt, shame, and embarrassment, you will find that there is a lot more space for joy, happiness, and new versions of the story of you, just waiting to be written.

10 Ways to Reduce Stress in 10 Minutes or Less

2009-04-28T11:22:00.000-07:00

Sometimes we assume that changes have to be epic, and that we have to overhaul our entire lives in order to reduce our stress. I disagree. I believe that small changes add up to big changes over time, and that doing less can actually help us accomplish more. Think of stress as weeds in a garden-if you get rid of them as soon as they pop up, they don’t get out of control. Here are some quick ways to reduce stress-try one or two a day and notice how things can change:

1. If you’re at home and you’re working on the computer, take a 5-10 minute break every hour. Dance to one song or play with your dog.

2. If you feel yourself becoming anxious or stressed, get grounded. Pay attention to the feeling of your feet on the floor. Listen to the sound of your breath.

3. Make a list of 5 things you stress about that you can't control. Read the list, close your eyes and imagine putting those things into a red balloon and releasing it. Mentally watch it fly away. Decide you're not going to worry about stuff you can't control.

4. Mindfulness meditation is about nothing more than breathing and being present by clearing all the anxious thoughts. It’s transformational. 7 minutes of meditation a day can do wonders. Here’s a free meditation track to help you if you need it.

5. Make a list of everything you have going for you. Things you’re grateful for, strengths, resources and accomplishments.

6. Stop working and hug your kids.

7. Step outside. Stand and observe and look for something beautiful.

8. Do something ridiculous-think of the funniest thing you’ve ever seen and giggle. It has an amazing way of putting things in perspective.

9. Make a list of all the people who love you no matter what. And then call one of them.

10. Listen to a song you love. Close your eyes and stop thinking. Enjoy the music.

How to Choose the Right Job or Career

2009-04-24T08:41:00.000-07:00

I talk to so many people who are unhappy with where they are and who got there by thinking too much. Yes, you read that correctly. Many people are in careers that they chose because the forecasts were good for that industry, or their strengths or skill sets fit with the requirements. This stuff isn’t bad, but in my opinion it’s not enough. We're not really taught that there is any other way to go about it-but there is.

The gift (if there is one) of this new economic climate is that a lot of people are making a lot less money, and now feel liberated to take the risk of following a new career path. The money and the busyness have, up to now, provided a buffer against feeling those nagging doubts that said, “is this IT?” It’s actually exhilarating to start asking these questions-and discovering the answers.

The wonderful psychologist Carl Rogers said that if we get too concerned with the outside world and what society wants of us, we lose sight of what we truly, authentically want, and it can become difficult to access that information when we need it. Here’s my quick and dirty list for getting back to basics and starting this exploration.

1) Start a meditation/mindfulness practice. Meditation is a daily practice in getting quiet with yourself and figuring out what you want most. You’ll be shocked at the ideas and insights that pop up when you’re trying not to think. Here's a free one I made to help my clients--feel free to use it.

2) Go back over your resume and look at past jobs. Which parts of each job did you enjoy the most? Compile all these parts into a comprehensive list. Put all these pieces together and you start to get a clearer version of what you like.

3) Carry a journal or notebook with you every day. Write down any ideas or insights that get you excited. You’re not trying to figure out HOW-you’re just getting excited.

4) Give yourself permission to think big. Too often we shoot down our good ideas before they even have a chance to breathe and develop. If you notice yourself being critical of yourself, and telling yourself why it can’t or won’t happen, say to yourself: “I’m just brainstorming.”

5) Here’s the most important thing: look for the feeling of “rightness.” You know the feeling: everything in your body relaxes and you feel relieved. The opposite of this feeling is when you think of something and you feel tense, tight, uncomfortable or, to use my academic word, yucky. When you have ideas that feel right, write them down.

6) Hang out with supportive, positive people. Don’t hang out with the friends who tell you why your ideas will never work. Odds are, they are unhappy and have a lot of thwarted dreams. But that’s not your problem.

As a coach and therapist, I have yet to meet anyone who doesn’t have something, deep down, that makes them really, really happy. It validates my belief in our inner goodness, every day. I wish you the pleasure of discovering yours. Remember, give yourself permission to believe that the universe is conspiring for good all around you, and to always, always trust your gut instinct.

Revolutionize Your Life, Change Your Schedule

2009-04-13T10:39:00.000-07:00

My last blog entry was about accomplishing more by doing less (if you'd like to read that one first, click here). I'd like to focus on one aspect of this by talking a bit more about scheduling and time blocking.

Now, I want to preface all this by saying one thing: we are not trying to make you more efficient so that you can get 40 hours of work done in 16 hours a day. The whole point of this is to help you get more done so that you can spend less time working, and spend more time painting, writing poetry, snowboarding, cooking, or whatever it is that makes your heart sing. It may seem counter-intuitive, but the more time you spend doing stuff you love, the more effective you will be. Ever had a trainer tell you that your rest days are when your muscles change? It's the same with the brain. You're packing tons of information in there all week, but it's when you relax, unwind and completely shift your focus to something fun and compelling that your brain has the breathing space to sort it all out. You'll gain a broader perspective and get a whole lot more creative. You'll get great ideas. You'll be a visionary, not a drone. And the most important part is that you'll be a whole lot happier.

I can't tell you how many times a day people describe this cat herding scenario to me: going all day from task to task, responding to phone calls and email as they come in, starting one task, then remembering, mid-stream, that something else needs to be done, changing tasks, never going back to the first one. Exhausting-and it leaves one with a sense of frustration. I feel tired just typing it.

I try to base my work principles on a passage from the Tao te Ching that I'd like to share with you:

Express yourself completely, 
then keep quiet. 
Be like the forces of nature: 
when it blows, there is only wind; 
when it rains, there is only rain; 
when the clouds pass, the sun shines through.

I see a few principles in here: a) speak the truth and the truth only b) do what you're doing, fully, without distraction and c)if you do that, the difficulty will pass. I interpret the last line as this: when you are willing to focus completely on something, even an unpleasant task, it will pass.

So this is lovely, esoteric stuff-how do we put it into play on a practical level? The first two may be familiar, as I included them in last's week's blog.

1) Meditation, yoga, or prayer. Start the day with it, even if it's for 5 minutes. Here's a free meditation track I made for my clients-feel free to use it if you need extra support.

2) Top three priorities. Each day, write them down and do them first, before anything else.

3) Time blocking. I am a huge, huge fan of time blocking, and recommend it to all my clients. Here's my quick and dirty system:

-Pick your main three categories of work per day, and put them in order of importance

-Decide how much time you want to spend on each over the course of the day (be realistic)

-Make a schedule-here's a hypothetical example of how it may look:
1 hour potential clients: return calls, mail introductory packages
3 hours current clients: correspondence, answering questions, etc.
3 hours marketing: social networking, answering email, brainstorming, calls

-Block off the schedule in your book, with a longish break in between blocks. For instance, after the first hour, you take a stretch break, after the second block, you take lunch, and after the third, you take a walk. Every hour, take short (5 minute) breaks-play with your dog, put on a song and dance, call someone you love, stretch. Breathe. Whatever resets you.

Here are the rules:

During each block, you are only allowed to work on those tasks. That means no social networking while you're dealing with potential clients. If you do all your potential client work in 30 minutes, you spend another 30 minutes creating better systems for dealing with potential clients. You stay fully in whatever you're doing. No excuses. It's going to take discipline at the beginning, and then it's going to get a lot easier.

No email during each time block, unless it's related to the task at hand. That means that if you are writing email to potential clients, and your email is ringing with new mail from Facebook, or current clients, you must ignore it and stay focused on the task at hand.

Here's a caveat, if you are in a profession where you must give IMMEDIATE responses, you can check email for 10 minutes on the hour, or some other system like that. I say this very reluctantly, because I have a difficult time imagining a situation where email can't wait for 2 hours. Sitting and responding to each email (or Facebook comment or Twitter update) that comes in, as it comes in, is a complete and utter waste of time. It also creates the expectation with your friends, clients, and colleagues that you are always available to them, without limits. I do not consider this to be a healthy expectation.

Try the time blocking-practice being fully present in whatever you're doing. It's revolutionary. You'll likely find you have a lot more time-and a greater sense of accomplishment when you leave work earlier and go play your guitar outside in the sunshine (that's what I'm going to do as soon as I finish writing this blog posting).

If you get stuck, send me an email or comment-I'm happy to help. And keep me posted on your progress!

Do One Thing...Really Well.

2009-03-23T08:37:00.000-07:00

I’ve recently been reading Power of Less, The: The Fine Art of Limiting Yourself to the Essential...in Business and in Life by Leo Babauta, and I think it’s a great book. Babuta is the author of the Zen Habits blog (http://zenhabits.net/). Power of Less is all about how to do fewer things in a more directed and clear way in order to achieve more balance and happiness in the meantime.

How do we do this? Well, according to Babuta, we focus on one thing at a time. He discovered this process when he was an overweight smoker with piles of debt. Rather than get overwhelmed by the number of changes that he needed to make, he decided to focus on one: quitting smoking. It was his entire focus. After he mastered that, he felt so encouraged by his success that he moved on to the next goal: his health. He broke each goal down into manageable components, and accomplished each one slowly and steadily-and thoroughly. This kind of change lasts.

It’s exactly the opposite of what I call “New Year’s Resolutions Syndrome,” which is when someone (it might be you) goes into a flurry of activity for about three weeks, determined to completely overhaul everything about one’s life-all at once. Of course, this pace is not sustainable, and once the first wave of excitement wanes, the hopefulness turns to hopelessness-or, at the least, inertia. Giving up. The worst part of the syndrome is that it creates a story that we use to inform our future decisions. In this case, the story becomes “well, I’d like to make changes, but I never follow through.” We pull out these old stories every time we’re thinking about taking a risk or making changes, and they shame us into giving up. It's an extreme example, but I think that it's a metaphor for how a lot of people live on a daily basis.

Well, what if you’re not weak in character or determination, but you’ve just been using the wrong approach? Putting too much pressure on yourself? What if this is just about having an open mind and facing this in a different way? Just take a deep breath, and let's go at this from another angle.

So here are your choices: you can a) multi-task franticly, rushing around and getting a lot of things a little bit done, or you could b)be calm and grounded and do a few things well and deliberately and with greater success. Ok, so assuming you choose the latter, here are some tips:

1) Instead of starting your day by checking your email, start by meditating, praying, or doing yoga. You’ll start the day centered, instead of reactive.
2) Write down your most important goal for your life. Read it every day before you start work.
3) Schedule work related to your goal FIRST and build the rest of your day around it. For instance, if learning to paint is your top priority, schedule time every day to do it. Maybe on certain busy days, you’ll have time to paint and you won’t have time to do housework. So what? Your world won’t collapse. And it may be that you only have 10 minutes a day to work toward your goal. So what? Little steps turn into big changes over time.
4) Every day when you start work, write down the 3 most important things that you want to accomplish that day. Do them first.
5) If you’re working hard on a project and feel stuck, step away and take a walk. You’ll clear your head and figure out the solution with less effort.
6) Ask yourself several times during the day, “Is this really necessary?” In other words, are you spending all your time, energy and money on people, things and activities that deplete you, instead of enhance your life?
7) Only answer email once or twice a day. Don’t react to each email as it comes in. Remember, you have choices.

I think it comes down to this: paring down to what is absolutely necessary in life. When we take away the chaos, the frenzy, the busyness, we are left with what we love most. And, suddenly, there is a spaciousness of time and energy that can be used in ways that make our lives better.

Finding and Keeping a Job, Grocery-Store Style

2009-03-05T09:28:00.000-08:00

The summer after freshman year of college, I worked for three excruciatingly long months as a checkout person at a grocery store. As a counselor and a coach, I remind my clients of these lessons on a daily basis, but I’m going to translate them to you here, grocery-store style.

Here’s the first one: don’t procrastinate too long or you end up having to take what’s left over. In my case, the procrastination involved a long-distance boyfriend and far too many trips to Athens, Georgia, waiting too long to look for a summer job, and having to work at Delmonico’s in Birmingham (may it RIP). My friends were heading to great internships and working in music stores and I was getting verbally abused and wearing a uniform every day. Enough said. Lesson: don’t wait until you’re desperate to start looking. You’ll limit your choices.

Here’s an important one: don’t cater to bizarre demands. Ever. You’ll get trapped repeating them over the long haul. Example: On my second day of work, a co-worker pointed at a sour-looking customer in a red fedora, looked at me grimly, and said, “You better hope that HE is never in your line!” When I pressed her on the topic, she told me that he was exceedingly picky about how his groceries got handled. As in, he complained to the manager if he perceived that you were “too rough” with his stuff. Three days later, he was in my line. I tried to be as careful as I could. He glared at me menacingly as I took 15 minutes to scan his groceries, hands trembling, placing the Metamucil in the bag as if it were a newborn. With two hands, I placed the orange in it’s own bag so that it wouldn’t be bruised. By the time I finished, he was the only person left in line, and he was quivering. He snatched the bags from my hands and walked over the manager, and started speaking, gesturing wildly and pointing at me repeatedly. I was terrified. After he left, the manager walked over to me, a wide smile on his face. He said, ‘he told me, "that red-haired girl is the only person in this store who KNOWS how to handle groceries, and I won’t go to anyone else again, ever!"” And he didn’t. For the rest of the summer, he lined up every two days to watch me like a hawk and rattle my nerves. Lesson: don't do stuff you feel uncomfortable with just to make people happy in the short run. You're just setting up bad habits that you will have to undo later.

Here’s a good one: be nice to people, for a couple of reasons. First and primarily, everyone you meet is a person too, and it’s crappy to treat people badly, from a karmic perspective. People in service jobs see the worst aspects of humanity on a daily basis, and you have to have worked in retail to truly appreciate this. The nice people stand out in a sea of impatience and intolerance. So get off your high horse, if you are on one, and be nice.

And here’s why you should be nice to people, part 2:when you are kind to people, not in an Eddie Haskell sort of way, but in a genuine way, people want to do nice things for you. They want to help you. One of the nicest people I remember from that summer was Carole Griffin, who I only knew as one of the few customers who looked me in the eye, remembered my name, and was patient and kind. Years later, I met her again, remembered her, and when I learned she owned a local business (Continental Bakery/Chez Lulu), I spent my money there, because I remembered her as someone who has goodness flowing out of her. How this translates to a job search: be really nice to everyone you encounter during your search; you never know who you will meet and how it may help you later.

Conversely, don’t treat people like crap. This is a different rule from “be nice.” Being nice is taking the time to really see people. It’s active. But treating people like crap is a whole other beast, and it’s bad. If you treat people badly, they will remember, and you will get yours later. I’ve worked in enough coffee shops and restaurants to know that the abusive customers get served sneezers (if you don’t know what that is, trust me, you don’t want one). In the rest of the world, here’s how it translates: don’t miss appointments, badmouth people, be disrespectful to assistants or anyone you consider “beneath” you, be disrespectful of people’s time, or take stuff for free without saying “thank you.” It’s rude, and it WILL bite you in the butt, because people do remember.

These lessons don’t just apply in Delmonico’s: they apply in the rest of the world too. Mind your P’s and Q’s, and remember, there is opportunity everywhere you go.

Only You Know What's Best for You

2009-02-09T09:08:00.000-08:00

When I meet clients for the first time, they typically say that they want to work with me because they know that something is missing, but they aren't exactly sure what that "something" is, or how to go about getting it. Many of my blog entries are about HOW to change or how to create a vision for your life, because it's a starting point. It's the beginning.

But what happens next? Often when we start advocating for what we want, the unhealthy people in our lives start pushing back, and it's not fun. I'll give you some examples. A client of mine was in an unhappy job for several years. It was a situation where she was set up to fail: her job description was vague, at best, and she was expected to have mastery over many different areas of a company, each requiring completely different skill sets. She had little administrative support at work. The more she did, the less support she received. She had tremendous responsibility, but no authority. And to add insult to injury, she wasn't making nearly as much as she deserved. She stayed for a long time, mainly because she liked her co-workers (well, and because her self-esteem had taken such a pummeling that she thought she couldn't get another job). The one bright spot in an otherwise bleak job was her community of friends at work. They went out for drinks after work on many nights, and bonded over their mutual miserable situation. They supported one another in their shared dislike of their unsupportive boss. They commiserated over how terrible it felt to be so stuck, and to feel as though one was doomed to unhappiness.

So guess what happened when this person decided that she was tired of being unhappy, and feeling stuck and miserable, and decided to go pursue a different career path that made her happy (and landed an amazing job, might I add)? Do you think that these same co-workers were thrilled for her, that they rejoiced for her success? If you haven't guessed, I'll give you the answer: No. They tried to talk her out of taking the new job. They tried to tell her why it wouldn't work out for her, they tried to dash her dreams by convincing her to stay.

I've seen this happen over and over, both in my life and in the lives of friends and clients. You get ready take a bold, dramatic, gutsy step in your life, one that requires lots of willingness to step outside your comfort zone-and sometimes you are met with a lot of resistance. I've seen this play out in other situations, and in none so strongly as when I teach women how to say "no" to people and situations that drain them (I've often said that my favorite part of my job is teaching women how to be selfish!). Inevitably, after people start getting more assertive, the unhealthy people around them (you know, the ones who have relied upon their good graces) start pushing harder. It is not in their best interest for you to say "no" to them-it is far better for you to be a doormat. A lot of women I know are surprised by how much of the push back comes from other women, friends or other mothers-people that they assume would be supportive and understanding of their efforts to grow.

Now, I'm not implying that any of these people are bad or mean people. I have a theory about why this happens. If we believe that we are totally trapped or don't have any choices, than we relieve ourselves of taking responsibility for our lives. When one person steps out of that trap and makes a choice, takes a stand, chooses something courageous, it implies that perhaps we have a lot more choices than we think. If you feel stuck in a miserable job, and think that there is nothing you can do to leave it, you don't have to do anything. But if you suddenly realize that it is, in fact, possible, to leave that job, to get a better job, or to become a chef or fashion designer (or whatever it is that makes your heart sing) things can get a lot more scary. If we feel that we have to say "yes" to every single obligation around us, we feel trapped in our lives. If someone we know starts saying "no" to whatever it is that they don't want to do, and the world doesn't fall apart, we realize that we have choices too. Because that can imply that we might have to start making some painful changes, human beings often tend to try to suppress that instinct in others. That is to say that I believe there is a direct correlation between the speed at which someone rushes to throw cold water on your dream and the extent to which they feel trapped in their own life.

The good news about all this is that we DO have choice in our lives. Many of us have a lot more options than others, but I will argue that each of us has some small space where we can assert ourselves and make deliberate decisions about how we want to live. The other helpful thing to remember is the second of the four agreements, from the book of the same name by Don Ruiz: “Everything people do is not about you, it is about them. Take nothing personally.”

Saying “no” helps you make space in your life for the people who support you. These are the people who say, “that’s great,” instead of “it will never happen,” when you tell them what you want to do. You can’t choose whether others decide to stay stuck and unhappy, but you do have choices about your own life. In the words of Henry David Thoreau, “Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.”

How to Change Your Life in 2009....For Real

2009-01-19T12:36:00.000-08:00

It’s a new year, and you might be thinking about some changes you would like to make. But if you’re like most of us, you tend to get pretty excited about those changes for a little while, but find it challenging to make them stick. I know plenty of folks who buy treadmills in January, only to be using them as clothing racks by the end of February. Do you want this year to be different?

Someone once taught me an equation for how people change: P + V > R. P, which represents “Pain,” combines with V (“vision”) to overcome R, which represents “resistance.” What’s the resistance all about? As humans, our tendency is to stick with what is familiar, even if it’s not working for us. It’s the idea that the hell we do know is better than the one we don’t. We’re hanging on so tightly to what we already have that we can’t let go long enough to even consider how life might change or get better, even if what we’re attached to is actually decreasing our happiness on a daily basis. This reminds me of my dog, who loves nothing more than to chase her ball. But she won’t let go of it so that we can throw it. She sits there, miserable, guarding the ball and growling-sort of a metaphor for the way a lot of us live.

Resistance is pretty powerful stuff. It can take a lot of forms: inertia, lack of motivation, negative self-talk, excuses, procrastination or anxiety. I often experience it as busyness. When I was working on my thesis and had a deadline, I had a sudden, inexplicable urge to reorganize every kitchen cabinet. A lot of this resistance is the same thing: fear. Fear of change or fear of failure (“it’s better to just stick to the way that things are, because it’s safer that way”) or a fear of this new, sudden, unrecognizable person we might become if we just allowed ourselves the space to grow.

So how do some people overcome resistance and make changes? Well, sometimes you don’t have a choice. Sometimes the choice is made for you. A situation becomes so painful (P) that it becomes more comfortable to change than to stay in your current situation. Change is not an option. Or sometimes you have such a powerful idea or vision for your life (V) that your excitement and hope empowers you to overcome resistance to change, and you transform your life.

What if it’s something in the middle? What if you’re mildly uncomfortable, and know you want some kind of change, but don’t know what exactly that is? In this scenario, P+V might not be strong enough to overcome R, so how do you increase your odds? Increase the pain, and increase the vision.

“Increase the pain?!? Are you crazy?” I’m sure that’s what you’re saying, but stay with me. Odds are that if you’re getting some clues that you are unhappy or uncomfortable with a situation, you are in more pain than you think. Humans do a wonderful job of disguising our discomfort-it’s a coping strategy for surviving day-to-day life. Just think-if you started to really pay attention to the various parts of your life that are hurting, it might feel overwhelming (and then you might have to make some major change, which is scary, so we’re back to resistance again). This is why nearly every therapist I know (myself included) has a disclosure statement that new clients sign which tells them that sometimes it feels like things get worse before they get better, and that is actually part of the therapeutic process. As you gain awareness, it starts to hurt a whole lot more for a little bit. That’s ok: it’s unpleasant, but you WILL survive. To increase your V (vision), you can create and become comfortable with a compelling vision of how you will feel and be after you’ve made changes in your life, and you need to stay connected to that vision-it will help you overcome resistance when you get stuck.

So here are some concrete tips to put this into action. I’ll use the example here of losing weight, since that’s a popular subject of conversation. To increase P, start to make a list of all the ways that carrying extra weight might be affecting your life. Maybe you don’t enjoy buying clothes as much as you used to, or you can’t participate in the physical activities that you could if you were in better shape. Write these things down. Keep a journal-any time during the day that you notice a discomfort around this issue, write it down. Read it. Maybe you notice that you don’t feel that much pain. Maybe you do.

Now, start creating a vision. Write it down. What would life look like if you were in better shape or you felt healthier? How would you feel different? What would you be able to do? Let yourself be excited about this new vision. Odds are, if you get connected with your pain, as well as with your vision, you will feel motivated to start to change.

This exercise can be applied to any goal. If you want to change jobs, get connected with the pain you feel in your current situation, and start to envision a new, better situation, one in which you are at your best and feel creative and appreciated.

We don’t want to feel or notice our pain, but awareness is the starting point for all change, for everyone. We all have the capacity to transform our lives, every day. In the words of the poet, Rumi, “You were born with wings/why prefer to crawl through life?”

Why Now Is Actually a Time of Opportunity

2009-01-12T08:47:00.000-08:00

I’m not sure what I was expecting as the economy worsened, but I have been surprised. Part of me expected (worried) that people might decide that now wasn’t a great time to hire a personal coach, or that it is best to just keep one’s head down and survive until things clear up a bit. Boy was I wrong-I should have known better. I deal in matters of the heart (or soul, depending on how you look at it), and it shouldn’t have surprised me at all that many have actually been emboldened by this time.

Here’s what’s happening: I’m seeing many, many clients who were able to stay very busy for many years. Their busyness allowed them to forget or escape the feeling that, deep down, they just weren’t that into their work. Now, things have slowed down. There’s a lot of empty space (read: time and quiet). They’re suddenly noticing all the feelings of discomfort they have managed to suppress for a long time, and the discomfort is so intense that they are ready to make a change. Or maybe they notice that they haven't felt creatively engaged in their work for quite some time, and now, with more time and space, they have the chance to reevaluate how they work and how they might bring more spark into their existing job.

Many people have noticed something else: all their energy has been focused in the area of career. When they become less successful in that area due to economic downturns, there is nowhere else to go. They have few hobbies, friends, or relationships, and sometimes don’t even know how to spend time alone. They don’t know what to do with themselves. Life has been out of balance, and now is a perfect time of opportunity to reevaluate how they spend their time and energy, and what is most important to them.

Here’s another thing that’s happening: making good money was an excuse for a long time. For many, it’s hard to justify making a big change to follow your dream when you’re making lots of money in your current situation. Well, for many, the pressure is now off. No longer making the money they once did, people find it easier to admit, for instance, as one client did last week, “You know, I’ve always wanted to be a chef anyway. Maybe it’s time to explore that.” Here’s a link to an article I read in the New York Times on a banker who is now pursuing his lifelong dream to be a comedian. My favorite quote from the article: “Everyone seems to have something else they would rather be doing than their 9-to-5,”….. “I think that people who are losing their jobs are being forced to pursue their dreams and, in a way, are being liberated from the golden handcuffs of Wall Street and venturing into something that might fulfill them.”

Do you know what GE, Hewlett-Packard, and Microsoft all have in common? They all started in times of economic instability. No matter how the companies ended up, they started with someone’s idea. The soul doesn’t pay attention to economic indicators: when there is a dream or idea, it wants to be heard and heeded.

I named my company “Empty Space” because I believe that everything starts with ambiguity, curiosity, not knowing what comes next. When we start at that place, ready to question everything and strip away everything that is not working and is not authentic, change is not only possible, it is inevitable. It feels like the scariest time, but it is actually the time of greatest possibility. Now is the time to be bold, to try all the big ideas you were scared to try, to make the changes that felt too risky a year ago.
The empty space may feel like an ending, but it’s actually just the beginning of a new, transformed life.

The "Does It Love Me?" Diet

2009-01-05T07:15:00.000-08:00

When I was recently visiting my in-laws in New York City for the holidays, we attended a dinner with two other couples. I ate a lot, starting with the cheese biscuits that were placed on the table at the beginning of the meal (they remind me a lot of the sort of thing that people eat in Georgia, where I grew up, which is to say that the biscuits were completely laden with cheese, grease, and fat and were utterly delicious). I felt stuffed after eating two of them. From there, I proceeded to large portions of lobster bisque, scallops, and berry trifle for dessert. I must admit that I had to loosen the zipper of my skirt a bit (attractive, I know) so that I could sit more comfortably, but it’s the holidays, after all, right?

So when the waiter came around to refill our wine glasses, I knew that I couldn’t ingest one more drop of anything into my system and refused, particularly since I don’t feel so good if I drink after I’ve eaten so much. My mother-in-law also passed, as red wine doesn’t agree with her so well. The man seated between us asked why we weren’t drinking. I went into a long and boring explanation of how wine doesn’t always agree with me if I’m really full, how much I had eaten (leaving out the unzipped skirt part, of course), how drinking too late at night really disrupts my sleep. My mother-in-law simply said, “Wine doesn’t love me.” She felt no further need for excuses or justification.

I thought about this exchange for the next couple of days. Women spend a lot of time thinking about what we SHOULDN’T eat, and categorizing food as bad and good, based on either their caloric or fat value, depending on how you measure these things. Most women can look at a single Triscuit and tell you exactly how many calories it has (7.5). We often spend most of our lives trying to avoid the bad food and eat more of the food that the experts tell us we should eat. Sometimes I read the health articles on the front page of Yahoo (you know the ones, they have titles like, “The Top Ten Foods and Drinks You Should Be Consuming Daily”) and afterwards, find myself spiraling downward, worrying about how I could possibly squeeze copious amounts of pomengranates, sweet potatoes, blueberries, lentils, broccoli, tomatoes, salmon, kale, yogurt , and 10 gallons of green tea into my DAILY diet. And the article says I have to eat that EVERY DAY for the REST OF MY LIFE if I want to avoid cancer.

Now, I agree that I feel better when I eat fruit and vegetables than when I eat, for instance, large servings of cheese biscuits. My body feels better. But I haven’t always focused on what my body wants. I’ve given the other part more airtime: the part of me that knows the caloric impact of everything, the part of me that feels smug when I eat what experts tell me I “should” eat, and feels punitive and guilty when I eat what I shouldn’t. Well, I’ve decided that I’m going to stop doing that. From now on, I only eat what loves me. “Loves me” means it makes my body feel good, in both the short term and long term. To quote a phrase I like for this in psychology, I'm going to stop “shoulding” on myself so much. "Loves me" means eating slowly, with awareness of how something is making my body feel. No matter what any expert tells me about how many servings of whole wheat I need to eat, I know that I feel puffy and irritable when I eat it. So I'm just not going to eat it, because wheat doesn't love me.

I love this idea. It can be applied to all areas of our lives. I started applying it to my closet when I was doing the Massive Closet Reorganization of January 3, 2009. I culled out all the itchy sweaters who don’t love me, tight shoes who don’t love me, a turquoise scarf I want to love, but whose color is just not that into me. It doesn’t love me. Likewise, people who waste my time or energy do not love me. Greedy people and politicians with angry politics do not love me. I could keep going with this.

Here’s my suggestion to you: make two lists. On one list, write the foods, people and situations that don’t love you. On the other one, make another list: everything and everyone who loves you. Every week, see what you can do to reduce your exposure to who and what doesn’t love you in the way you deserve to be loved. Pick one think off the list and bring less of it into your life. And each week, pick one thing off the list of people and situations that love you and bring a bit more of it into your life. Small steps count here, and they really add up.

As for me, I’m looking forward to a year of less bleach, wheat, celebrity gossip sites, and scratchy sweaters, and more soft sheets, dark chocolate, local organic food, knitting, yoga, the color blue, the music of Lucinda Williams, time with family, and conversations with the friends who leave me with a happy feeling after I hang up the phone.

Why Now is the Time to Start a Meditation Practice

2008-12-11T08:50:00.001-08:00

Years ago when I was a yoga teacher, I was facilitating a class in meditation and was looking around to see how people were doing. One person in the class looked completely freaked out, distracted, and utterly puckered up. Tight. Resisting with every fiber of her being. I walked over to her, and whispered, “Are you okay?” She shook her head and said, “I’m so scared that if I let go, the devil will come in.”

Now, maybe that sounds extreme to you. Maybe you don’t believe in the devil. But I think there is a metaphor here for what I think many people believe: if they get still or quiet with themselves long enough, they’re going to figure out that deep down, they’ve got some bad stuff going on. We’ll figure out we’re depraved. We’ll figure out we’re awful. But here’s what I believe, and listen to me closely: it’s not what’s in the empty space that’s giving us the problems: it’s the all fear and the running away from it that screws us up.

Here’s the good news: if we face that fear, it transforms everything. And meditation is daily practice for facing your worst fears. You sit, every day, with the clutter of your thoughts. Instead of choosing to run from your fear, you decide to approach it with curiosity, befriend it, transform it. It no longer has power over you. Because believe me, if we can all face our worst fears about ourselves, the state of the economy starts to look like small potatoes.

Think about it: if every person on earth were able to sit down and look at themselves honestly, gain an understanding and say, ok, here’s the stuff I’ve done that I’m not happy with. Here are the parts of me that are ugly. Here’s how I’ve hurt others, and I’m going to have humility and ask for forgiveness. Here are the moments when I am scared of being alone and don’t know how to ask for reassurance, and strike out instead. Here’s where I was sad, but reacted with anger because I hate feeling helpless. Here is where I’ve been afraid that my life might be meaningless, and I’ve reacted by running from that fear with workaholism, or eating too much or staying busy or simply giving up. Here’s where I’ve been hateful or mean or thought embarrassing thoughts. Here’s where I’ve tried to gain power over others because I’m scared. Here’s the part of me that is really scared, deep down, that when I die, I will be alone and no one will remember me. Here’s the part of me that fears that no one loves me who I really am. Here’s the part of me that fears that I don’t even know who that is some days.

Think if everyone could do that and then (here’s the best part) they could forgive themselves. They could say, ok, I have this stuff, and it’s not perfect, but it’s just part of being human. I did the best I could with the understanding I had at that moment. Now I have more understanding, so I’m going to try to do things differently. I might screw up, but I’m willing to say it (and forgive myself again). And since everyone else is human too, I’m going to forgive them as well. When people get angry or scared or sad, I’m going to remember how it feels to be that way, and I’m going to feel compassion for them. I’m going to remember that everyone, everyone, on earth is in exactly the same boat I am, in feeling conflicted and confused and scared at times.

Think about it-what would happen if we weren’t scared of ourselves any more. What could we do? What relationships would we end if we weren’t afraid of being alone? What bad habits would go away if we didn’t have to numb our selves from ourselves?

I think that everything and everyone on earth would be different. I’m going to make a bold statement. I believe that even Dick Cheney could be transformed if he were willing to face his pain and his demons and atone for the ways in which he has caused suffering in the world (it’s a big IF, of course). These are strong words from me, as I have been known to refer to him as the vortex of evil embodied in human form.

Meditation is practice for sitting with yourself. The good, the bad, the ugly, it’s all there. It’s nothing elaborate. You don’t need to wear patchouli or burn incense or sit in the lotus pose. You can sit or lie down. You can be quiet or you can listen to music. You need only a willingness to risk facing what you might find when you tune in.

Free meditation download

2008-11-27T10:51:00.000-08:00

We can't choose or control what happens in the economy, but we can make choices about how we choose to react to it. We can decide whether we become paralyzed with fear, or choose instead to stay calm, clear and connected to our long term vision.

I taught yoga and meditation for many years, and often help my coaching and counseling clients create and sustain a daily meditation practice. People tend to find that with daily practice, they can start by cultivating a sense of quiet that starts in that 10 minutes a day and spills over into the rest of their lives. In my vernacular, this is where we start to connect with the Empty Space. The Empty Space is where we have all the magic: it is the source of our greatest ideas, our energy, and the strength and the vision that sustain us. It is where we learn to embrace our most authentic self.

Here's a short (7 minute) meditation to help you start a meditation practice and bring some quiet into your life. The free download is at Empty Space Coaching. Please feel free to email me if you have questions about how to get started.

How to Stay Calm (Even if Everyone Else is Freaking Out)

2008-11-21T09:39:00.000-08:00

Most places I go, people are talking about the economy, and they're freaking out. They're speculating on what will happen and how it will affect their lives. It can all feel pretty scary, and the fear feels contagious. Here are some tips to help you stay calm:

What's Worked for You in the Past? Think about a time in the past when you faced difficulty. If you're here, you survived. Think of what helped you then. How did you approach the difficulty and what strategies were helpful? How did you shift the situation? What calmed you? What helped you feel better? Was there any lesson there that you could use now?

Venting vs. Rehearsing

Many people think that "venting" helps them feel better-and sometimes it does. Venting is when you have something that's been weighing you down, and you feel better when you share it with someone else who can sympathize or give you support or simply listen. But when do you cross the line into "rehearsing"? Rehearsing is when you tell the same story, over and over again, and each time, you experience the same anxiety or fear. Here's a rule of thumb: When it makes you feel relieved to talk about it, talk about it. When you notice that you feel worse, stop.

Consider a media ban I was having a great morning a few days ago, and then I opened yahoo and the headline was about the Dow Jones average plummeting-and suddenly I felt anxious, even though nothing had actually changed. What we read and watch changes our perceptions and affects our emotions. If watching the economic predictions on TV or the internet is affecting you emotionally, stop watching. Spend that time playing with your dog or taking a walk or listening to a song you like.

Awareness Pay attention to how your body feels when people are talking about the economy. If you notice tension or tightness, walk away from the conversation. Do something pleasant, or simply sit and listen to your breath.

Be a Flexible Tree Here's a tip I give to clients constantly: if you start to feel anxious, imagine you're a tree. It sounds silly, but it works. Imagine you're a tree, and you're rooted to the ground. Trees are strong. When trees are brittle they snap in the wind, but when they're flexible and soft, they sway in the wind and always stay rooted.

Gratitude Make a list, every day, of two or three things you are thankful for. Focus on what you have, instead of what you don't have, or what might happen in the future. Read this list if you start to panic.

You have this moment If all else fails, you have this moment. Sit quietly and think to yourself: "right now, in this moment, I am ok." Take a deep breath. Listen to your breath.

It IS all going to be ok. Trust yourself. You are more creative and resourceful than you know. No matter what, you're going to be ok.

Identity

2008-11-21T09:20:00.000-08:00

(Originally posted 10/14/08)
One of the most thought-provoking-and jarring-aspects of learning to be a therapist was that I had to figure out who I was without all my old stories to identify me. Think about it: we reveal ourselves in conversation with strangers by slowly unpacking our stories. We use these stories to create the facade we show to others. We tell stories of who we are in the world (“I am so-and-so’s daughter”) or what we do (“I am a therapist”) or about the habits or hobbies that define us (“I am SO into chocolate”).

Imagine then, that you suddenly must be present with others without using stories to identify yourself? Stories have always been important to me-I was an English major in college, I love words, and I tend to see life as a narrative fraught with metaphor. I love my stories. My stories are my history. Who would I be without the stories of growing up in south Georgia, of the time I met the Argentinean soccer team, of all the pranks I have played, of the time I forced my sister to eat a “nature taco”(that’s a snail wrapped in a leaf)? My family thrives on stories: at every birthday, we tell the same stories of a person’s life. Over the years, those rituals have come to mean everything to me.

But therapists reveal little to their clients, in the way of personal disclosure. When I was a new therapist, I felt as though my entire identity had been completely stripped away from me. The instructions to therapists felt confusing to me: you are supposed to model authenticity, and congruity. You are supposed to be a real person. But don’t reveal ANYTHING about yourself.

Then the question became: who am I without my stories? It became a larger question for me. Who am I in the present moment, without all these layers I have chosen for myself? How can I be present with someone else, without referencing my stories about my past, or my accomplishments, or other people?

The interesting aspect of looking at it this way is that I have been challenged to use the wisdom, or the insight or the humor without the stories. In many ways, stripping away the stories actually forces me to use the products of my experiences and make them my own, to truly assimilate them rather than just rehearse the same version of them, and to stay fixed in the same place forever.

Think about it: how would your life change if you didn’t feel caught in the same stories about yourself and those around you? How would your primary relationships change if you saw everyone anew, as they are right now? What sense of freedom would you feel? And what kind of fear?

Happy Accidents (not of the procreating variety)

2008-11-21T09:19:00.000-08:00

I took a printmaking class a few years ago, and I had a fabulous teacher. The class only lasted for three months, but this teacher (and this class) managed to change my thinking in many ways. Every time I bend over to wipe something that has fallen on the floor, I think of her saying “if you’re cleaning up your mess, clean up a little extra mess that you didn’t make. I do it, just because that’s the good kind of girl scout I am.” I don’t always actually FOLLOW the advice, but I always, always remember it.

Something non-mundane I learned in class, something that really has affected my way of being: the concept of happy accidents. “Happy accidents,” as defined by my teacher, are those great artistic discoveries that happen when you release some control of the process and allow yourself to be curious about what might happen. Being willing to be a beginner, to be open to trying new colors or ways of looking at the piece, of taking away your attachment to how the piece works out-these acts allow you the freedom to mess up-but also the possibility that you might discover something new: that you might fall in love with a new color you might have thought you hated, or that you find a new way of holding a tool that creates a totally different effect. Either way, you have to release the need to control every moment of the process in order to have happy accidents.

When I expand this metaphor to human life, I think about the space between control and openness. I believe that we need to have the ability to make choices in order to get to where we want to go. We need the structure of being able to say “no,” and the ability to look ahead and see where we want to be, and create steps to get there. It is incredibly beneficial to have some mastery over how we spend our time and energy and resources. I firmly believe in these skills. I teach these skills to clients every day, for I believe they are essential.

However, when the control becomes TOO tight, we lose the chance of happy accidents. The happy accidents can teach us who we are, and what our hidden strengths and talents are, and, especially, clue us into the unique lens through which we view the world. This lens is our gift. No one else views the world in exactly the same way that we do, and that is a good thing.

Seeking this balance between too little and too much control can be challenging at times. So here’s an exercise that can help. Take a sheet of paper and draw a line down the center. On one side, make a list of some areas that need more mastery (boundaries, limits, structure), leaving a blank line under each item. Under each item, write an action step that can be taken toward achieving more control. For example, “loose boundaries about time spent working outside of work” could have the action step of “turn phone completely off on Saturdays.” (The next week you could gradually add more hours).

The other side of the page is a really fun one. It’s the part of the list where you realize where you can have more fun and openness, and where you need to let go a little. You can list some areas of your life, leaving a blank line under each item. On each line, write an idea about how to create some space. For instance, “parenting,” could have “have regularly scheduled “do-nothing” time.” This could be time spent with your child in conversation, or creating art, or flying a kite, or learning to knit. “Work” could have “set aside time every couple of days to just sit and brainstorm with no interruptions.” During this time, you could let your imagination run wild. You might just come up with some really great ideas.

You might notice some fear come up for you during this exercise. If I had to guess, I would expect that it would probably happen during the part where you think about how to release some control in order to create open space. It seems to be a human tendency to fear the unknown. If that happens, just observe how you’re feeling, and mentally watch the resistance without judgement. And then let go anyway.

The Four Agreements

2008-11-21T09:18:00.000-08:00

I read these if I'm having a difficult day or dealing with a difficult person (not that that ever happens, ha). I particularly love the second agreement. What are your thoughts?

The Four Agreements (from the book by the same name by Don Miguel Ruiz)

1. Be Impeccable With Your Word
Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

2. Don't Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.

3. Don't Make Assumptions
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

4. Always Do Your Best
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret

The Dreaded Facebook

2008-11-21T09:16:00.000-08:00

(Originally posted on 9/4/08)
I did it-I joined facebook. Technically I joined facebook years ago as Lenora Lapore. Lenora liked to log on and look up other people without being contacted by them. I, on the other hand, like to protect my quiet and privacy. However, since I couldn’t really see many pages, I caved to the pressured from friends (and curiosity) and joined a few days ago.

Since then, I’ve been hit by a barrage of email and photos. Someone’s writing on my wall (what the hell does that mean?). Someone’s poking me. Someone added photos of some people I don’t know. Someone who knew a friend of mine in high school wants to be my friend. Some of it is incredibly fun, I have to admit. I’ve found lots of people whose presence in my life has been greatly missed. But this week, it has been incredibly difficult to guard my quiet. I haven’t played my guitar, my dog hasn’t gone swimming, and I am missing out on my favorite, most sacred days of the year. Early fall is the time I reawaken, reset. I’m lucky enough to live in one of the most beautiful cities in the world (one that, regrettably, experiences steady rain for 9 months of the year), and I’ve spent my free time for the past sunny two days inside, online. I’m missing the present, because I’m reconnecting with the past.

Here’s where facebook (or myspace or friendster) starts to go into treacherous waters. I have noticed myself caring or thinking about how my life would look to other people, something I haven’t thought about in years. What will they think of my pictures? What should I write about my experiences? Will people from all these different moments in my life understand the me I am today? I have watched these thoughts for two days. I have resisted the urge to treat my facebook page as a PR release, but these thoughts bother me.

Carl Rogers, the beloved (by me) humanistic psychologist, talked about the human tendency to chase approval. Some of us seek societal sanction (such as wealth or fame), some of us seek it on an individual level (we just want people to like us). While none of this seeking is necessarily bad in and of itself, we can become so hooked on the praise, the fame, the money that we lose connection with who we are and what our needs are. We start to see ourselves through the eyes of others, instead of through the eyes of our own experience. To paraphrase (very loosely) the Tao te Ching, if you run after money or praise, your heart will never unclench. When you realize you have everything you need, the world is yours.

Miguel Ruiz talks about this in his book, The Four Agreements (I’ve read the first two agreements so many times that I never got to three and four). The second agreement is this: never, ever take anything personally. Whether someone likes or dislikes you is based on whether their perceptions of the world and reality coincide with yours. Either way, you are their prisoner. If you get hooked on their praise, you are placing yourself on a pedestal, and you can always be taken down from that pedestal by someone else. If you base your view of yourself on their criticism, you are taking in someone else’s poison.

Sometimes clients tell me about a situation in their lives, and they tell me what everyone else thinks about it. “My husband wouldn’t like it if I did this, and my mother would be upset, and people at work would talk about me,” and on and on. I listen, and then I say, “but how do YOU feel about it?” Sometimes a long silence follows the question. Sometimes they don’t know, because they’ve been viewing the situation through everyone else’s eyes, and haven’t even checked in to see how they feel. I’ll be honest enough here to admit there have been times when I have worked myself into knots wondering why someone doesn’t like me, or thinking about what I must have done to offend them or wondering how I can repair the situation-when I haven’t even stopped to consider whether I actually LIKE the person, or whether their presence or energy is positive in my life or whether I even want to interact with them.

Now, this morning, I’m thirsty for some quiet. I’m checking out of facebook for a couple of days. I’m sitting in Bean Around the World, just like every morning. I’m drinking my coffee (Bean size medium roast), and enjoying the sunshine. I’ve just noticed the tree across the street-the color is so striking against the blue of the building (you can check it out on the photo). I’m going to walk home and sit outside in my courtyard with my dog, and maybe play some Lucinda Williams songs on my guitar. No one will be there to hear it except me (and Maradog) and that is a-ok with me.

Mating in Captivity, pt. 1

2008-11-16T19:56:00.000-08:00

I'm reading the fabulous book "Mating In Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence" by Esther Perel, who is a couples therapist in NYC. I like this book because I love her approach. This is a not a how-to guide for successful relationships (at least, it's not yet-I'm only three chapters in). It's about how we have two major drives: one is for the unknown, and one is for stability. When we first get into a relationship with another person, we are exhilarated by all their thrilling, mysterious qualities. Every gesture is compelling, every movement gives us another little hint into their being.

So what do we want to do with all this newness? We want to be sure that it is ours, fully and completely. We wish to domesticate it, to fuse completely with the other. We want to know every secret so that there are no surprises. And once we've figured it all out, what do we want to do with all this newfound knowledge? Does it compel us to feel more intimate? Of course not-this causes us to be bored.

I made the mistake of starting this book on the same day I saw "Vicky! Christina! Barcelona!" (wouldn't recommend pairing the two activities-I felt a bit bleak about love that day-but I kept reading and felt better). Perel says that we try to bridge the fusion with others as a way of dealing with our own discomfort at being alone or separate. If we can learn to exist with our anxiety without the need to rush toward another, we can actually continue to keep the erotic and intimate connection in relationship because we can see the other person as a separate being, still full of mystery.

I've often had this conversation with friends who say that it is easiest to be either completely enmeshed with another-or completely uncaring. What seems most difficult is the attempt to be fully engaged without losing oneself. This applies to all our relationships (romantic and non) with people in our lives-allowing ourselves to coexist with others while resisting the urge to completely traverse the space between us.

In "Before Sunset," the Julie Delphy character says that God is witnessed in the space between two people, in our attempts to understand one another. I love the idea that by resisting the urge to feel that space, we actually have the space to see others (and ourselves) anew.

Here's my question to you: how do you regard the space between you and others? Do you rush to fill it? Or are you so far away from others that the distance is too far to traverse?

Why would you call a blog "Empty Space?"

2008-11-16T17:28:00.000-08:00

Welcome to my blog, empty space. It seems like a strange title for something that will be...you know...full. But I've been preoccupied for quite some time with this concept. See I have this idea that nearly everything that we do in excess in our society-eating, drinking, watching t.v., shopping-is about getting way from the empty space.

It seems like an abstract concept, but you know exactly what I mean. When I say this to clients, they know what I mean. Empty space is what we fear most. It is the space where nothing is happening, nothing is there to protect us from ourselves. The interesting thing is that is actually where the magic starts to happen. I am convinced that every original idea I've ever had emerges in the moments when I stop fighting and quit thinking so much.

Here's what I've observed as a therapist and as a personal coach. People are really, really, really scared about what might happen if they look deeply into themselves. They are scared as hell that they are going to open Pandora's box. They will do everything they can to avoid it. A rare few seek it out deliberately, but more often we are thrust into it by circumstance: the end of a job, the end of a relationship, a growing sense of discontent or physical pain that cannot be ignored. We have no choice but to jump into the abyss, with nothing to guide us.

But there's good news about all of this. This space is the beginning. Once we stop fearing ourselves, we get to really start living. Once we can look into ourselves and say, ok, there's a lot of stuff there, and some of it I don't like, but dammit, it's me! (Or, in the more eloquent words of Walt Whitman, do I contradict myself? Well then, I do, for I am vast and contain multitudes!)-we can stop using all our energy to fight ourselves. We can stop being so neurotic and start transforming that energy into creativity, vision and joy.

I invite you to join me in this journey-I will share some observations and insights as a coach/therapist and human--as well as some helpful tools.