The Dreaded Facebook

(Originally posted on 9/4/08)
I did it-I joined facebook. Technically I joined facebook years ago as Lenora Lapore. Lenora liked to log on and look up other people without being contacted by them. I, on the other hand, like to protect my quiet and privacy. However, since I couldn’t really see many pages, I caved to the pressured from friends (and curiosity) and joined a few days ago.

Since then, I’ve been hit by a barrage of email and photos. Someone’s writing on my wall (what the hell does that mean?). Someone’s poking me. Someone added photos of some people I don’t know. Someone who knew a friend of mine in high school wants to be my friend. Some of it is incredibly fun, I have to admit. I’ve found lots of people whose presence in my life has been greatly missed. But this week, it has been incredibly difficult to guard my quiet. I haven’t played my guitar, my dog hasn’t gone swimming, and I am missing out on my favorite, most sacred days of the year. Early fall is the time I reawaken, reset. I’m lucky enough to live in one of the most beautiful cities in the world (one that, regrettably, experiences steady rain for 9 months of the year), and I’ve spent my free time for the past sunny two days inside, online. I’m missing the present, because I’m reconnecting with the past.

Here’s where facebook (or myspace or friendster) starts to go into treacherous waters. I have noticed myself caring or thinking about how my life would look to other people, something I haven’t thought about in years. What will they think of my pictures? What should I write about my experiences? Will people from all these different moments in my life understand the me I am today? I have watched these thoughts for two days. I have resisted the urge to treat my facebook page as a PR release, but these thoughts bother me.

Carl Rogers, the beloved (by me) humanistic psychologist, talked about the human tendency to chase approval. Some of us seek societal sanction (such as wealth or fame), some of us seek it on an individual level (we just want people to like us). While none of this seeking is necessarily bad in and of itself, we can become so hooked on the praise, the fame, the money that we lose connection with who we are and what our needs are. We start to see ourselves through the eyes of others, instead of through the eyes of our own experience. To paraphrase (very loosely) the Tao te Ching, if you run after money or praise, your heart will never unclench. When you realize you have everything you need, the world is yours.

Miguel Ruiz talks about this in his book, The Four Agreements (I’ve read the first two agreements so many times that I never got to three and four). The second agreement is this: never, ever take anything personally. Whether someone likes or dislikes you is based on whether their perceptions of the world and reality coincide with yours. Either way, you are their prisoner. If you get hooked on their praise, you are placing yourself on a pedestal, and you can always be taken down from that pedestal by someone else. If you base your view of yourself on their criticism, you are taking in someone else’s poison.

Sometimes clients tell me about a situation in their lives, and they tell me what everyone else thinks about it. “My husband wouldn’t like it if I did this, and my mother would be upset, and people at work would talk about me,” and on and on. I listen, and then I say, “but how do YOU feel about it?” Sometimes a long silence follows the question. Sometimes they don’t know, because they’ve been viewing the situation through everyone else’s eyes, and haven’t even checked in to see how they feel. I’ll be honest enough here to admit there have been times when I have worked myself into knots wondering why someone doesn’t like me, or thinking about what I must have done to offend them or wondering how I can repair the situation-when I haven’t even stopped to consider whether I actually LIKE the person, or whether their presence or energy is positive in my life or whether I even want to interact with them.

Now, this morning, I’m thirsty for some quiet. I’m checking out of facebook for a couple of days. I’m sitting in Bean Around the World, just like every morning. I’m drinking my coffee (Bean size medium roast), and enjoying the sunshine. I’ve just noticed the tree across the street-the color is so striking against the blue of the building (you can check it out on the photo). I’m going to walk home and sit outside in my courtyard with my dog, and maybe play some Lucinda Williams songs on my guitar. No one will be there to hear it except me (and Maradog) and that is a-ok with me.